For lack of words

"NOOOOOOO!!!" I screamed as I flung my phone on the floor on hearing of his passing. My sister sitting in the passenger side of the car turned back in alarm as she asked me what was wrong. I tried to find words but as my mouth opened all that came forth was a weak sob as tears coursed down my cheeks. And down it went. Wetting my top till it was damp. My throat tight as I gasped for breath in between the downpour. How do I tell my best friend. After all my reassurances that "everything will be ok". How do I now be the bearer of bad news. My heart was breaking into little pieces. The little pieces, into littler pieces. "GOD!!!!!" I exclaimed. Careful in my devastation not to ask "why", lest I question God. Though my mind in disobedience was asking this very question, "WHY?". I picked up my phone hoping by some weird chance, I had read wrong, but as I looked at the phone through eyes unclear with tears, "Tomiwa, Ade's mum confirmed he's passed on", stared right back at me. As I read these words over and over again, it was like a hand was squeezing my heart tighter and tighter. And I remember the last time I heard his voice. On my birthday, where my friend, his girlfriend passed me the phone, telling me Ade wanted to wish me happy birthday. Just four days before. And now he's no more. But a cherished memory.

Then came the arduous task. Calling my friend. What do I say exactly. How does one comfort one who had just lost her boyfriend. I didn't know. Someone who minutes ago, before the news was broken to me, I had spoken to. What words could convey the way I felt inside. But the task had to be done. I told myself to be strong. I needed to be strong for my best friend. She needed me to be strong. But as I heard her wrenching cry over the phone, the tears I thought had abated came forth once more. The sounds of our tears comforting one another. I managed a few tearful "I'm sorries", but even to my ears, I knew how lame they sounded. I knew I needed to say more. Say something that would make the pain she was feeling go away. But then, the words wouldn't come. How ironic. Tomiwa who always had the right things to say. But not this time. This time words failed me. This time Tomiwa had no words.

As I stare into space, Adele's "rolling in the deep" playing somewhere in the near distance, there are so many things going through my mind. There are no more tears. Just a hollow in my heart. I feel sorry for my friend. Sorry I can't do anything to make her feel better. Sorry for her unimaginable loss. I'm so sorry. So so sorry. But alas "sorry" doesn't quite cut it.

May God keep us all. Amen


*name changed to Ade for privacy purposes*